[andykeenan86]

Anyone know any of the gags that have been told on there

[unclejoesmintballs]

shh your blocking out the voice's. yes uncle we will have him maimed

[andykeenan86]

Kep them coming everyone

Lets have our own gag idol on the fourm

[S4B]

I only know rude jokes not fit for the forum!

[DemonHorse]

Michael Barrymore was asked recently if he was doing panto this season. He said no, as he'd done aladdin 6 years ago and has never heard the last of it.

100 Years ago, 20 men chasing a black man was called the Ku Klux Klan... now we call it Formula One.

[andykeenan86]

I only know rude jokes not fit for the forum!

Im sure they are if you put stars where the swear words are. Try it

[S4B]

I only know rude jokes not fit for the forum!

Im sure they are if you put stars where the swear words are. Try it

Trust me on this, it's not the words it's the context! I do not want to get banned!

Like your 2 Horsey!

[andykeenan86]

I only know rude jokes not fit for the forum!

Im sure they are if you put stars where the swear words are. Try it

Trust me on this, it's not the words it's the context! I do not want to get banned!

Like your 2 Horsey!

Pm them to me i might like them

Keep the gags coming guys

[Boboff]

One I liked from 6.45 this morning

What's brown & sticky ?

A stick

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

I thought this was going to be about Micheal Hutchence.

[Yudster]

Or the last Tory Cabinet.

[andykeenan86]

They told a few good ones anyone remeber them?

Keep em coming lets have our very own chrismoyles.net gag idiol

[S4B]

Keep em coming lets have our very own chrismoyles.net gag idiol

You keep saying that! No one seems very keen

[andykeenan86]

Keep em coming lets have our very own chrismoyles.net gag idiol

You keep saying that! No one seems very keen

They will be only been a day

[andykeenan86]

I would post another one, but I'm unsure of whether it is appropriate

Is it rude?

[MK Chris]

Considering he's unsure whether it's appropriate, I'd say there's more than a fair chance that it's rude.

[andykeenan86]

Here some gags

met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Yudster]

Lovely, thanks for that! Very Tommy Cooper.

[MK Chris]

Hmm, I feel I should do the one that I told in the chat room the other day.

The Queen is in a hospital to open a ward, and as part of the visit she is given a guided tour by the hospital manager. On their way through the hospital, the Queen spots a man masturbating. "Why on earth is he doing that?" she exclaims, horrified. "He has a condition where he produces too much sperm and he has to get rid of it" came the reply. "I suppose that's acceptable then", mutters the Queen. They walk into another room, where a man is being given a blowjob by a nurse. Again, the Queen is astounded and asks the reason for this action. Her guide responds "he has the same condition; only he's with BUPA."

[Yudster]

The nurse needs to contact her Union rep.

[MK Chris]

One day a bloke died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The bloke responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, Vodka, Stella et al. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The bloke is astounded. "Shit, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. You want Bensons, you got 'em. If you get cancer, no big deal. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Horse's, Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack, Cocaine pile's the size of Mountains. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a fantastic place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[andykeenan86]

One day a bloke died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The bloke responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, Vodka, Stella et al. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The bloke is astounded. "*, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. You want Bensons, you got 'em. If you get cancer, no big deal. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Horse's, Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack, Cocaine pile's the size of Mountains. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a fantastic place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Now that is funny

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

Why quote the whole thing that is right above?

[unclejoesmintballs]

oh gawd he's still talking. argh will he never shut up

calm down uncle shh

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

Is that the voices in your head?