[Mr Dion]

Q.what do you do when your wife is watching TV?

A.shorten the leash


Q. what do u call a woman in the living room?

A. lost


Q. what do u call a woman in the garden?

A. a fugitive


Q. what do u tell a woman with two black eyes?

A. nothing...uve already told her twice

[LE_VEY]

a bloke is on an airoplane and he is burting to use the loo but there is a huge queue for the male loo, the kind stewardess sees his dying need and tells him that he may use the female toilets as long as he promises not to press any of the buttons on the wall. he promises and runs to the loo, he does his business with great relief and looks around for some toilet paper only to discover that there isnt any, in a bit of a panic he spots 3 buttons on the wall of the toilet, the 1st is white and reads WW the second is also white and reads WA the third button is red and reads TR, he wonders what they are for and in his anxiet presses the 1st button, Warm Water sprays on him and washes his behind, that was nice he thought, but now im all wet, he presses the second button and Warm Air slowly dries him we do not get these kinds of luxuries in the male loos he thinks to himself, this is ridiculas, theyve practically got a tv in here!! this can only get better surely?? so he presses the last button, the red one, TR...................he wakes up, he looks around, hes in hospital, he looks to his left side to discover a jam jar with his penis in it, the nurse came over and began to explain to him what had happened, it turns out that the TR stood for tampon remover

[Morals]

It's careers day at a catholic school, and the mother superior is asking the students what they want to do when they leave school. She asks one girl who says "I want to be a prostitute". On hearing this the mother superior faints. When she comes round she asks the girl to repeat what she said, and the girl again says "I want to be a prostitute". "Thank god for that", says the mother superior, "I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant".

[Gigglyboots]

Lets revive my lil topic

[Uglybob]

Jonny would call this post dredging you know.

[Gigglyboots]

He hasn't complained...yet

[Minnie the Minx]

It makes a change from one of Spanky's topics

[LE_VEY]

im racking my brains for a joke i havent already made!!!!

[MK Chris]

Bean Salad Anyone?

A woman went to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This was to be her first time meeting the family and she was very nervous. They all sat down, and began eating a fine meal.

The woman was beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness, and the bean casserole. The gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit, and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman felt relief as she thought to herself, "This is great! The dog's going to catch the blame!" and a big smile of relief came onto her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder, and longer fart rip out. The father again looked sternly and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again, the woman smiled smuggly with relief, and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she craps all over you!!"

[Gigglyboots]

It makes a change from one of Spanky's topics

Is that a good thing Minnie?
I hope so.

[Uglybob]

i know im dredging a bit but heh i didnt want to create another thread

Alex Ferguson calls Becks into the office. He goes "David, im worried about your performance, frankly youve been terrible, a waste of space even.

David looks back and says "Ive not been myself lately, ive trouble at home" Fergie, pretending to care, goes "Oh dear, is it Victoria?"

David says "No shes fine, its just that somethings really bugging me and i cant get to sleep at night, its ruining my concentration. Fergie goes "Spill it out, whats the matter"

David opens up "Well, Victoria bought this jigsaw the other day and its really doing my head in. Its bleedin hard. Its a picture of a tiger and im sure ive got all the bits so there cant be any missing. It really wearing me down...

Fergie goes "David, David, David, dont worry, bring the jigsaw in and ill have a look at it, it cant be that hard to do"

David perks up and goes "Thanks boss, ill bring it in tomorrow". So David runs in early before training and enters the office where Alex is sitting. "Well boss, here it is, look its a tiger and its a really good picture and everything but i cant do it and its really hard and its really doing my head in and its this picture here of a tiger and he empties all the piece onto the desk.

Fergie stares at the mess in front of him and looks up with his head in his hands and screams "DAVID PUT THE F U C K ing Frosties BACK IN THE BOX".

[Jonny Hoare]

Not very funny, that bloke is a hero now

[Freak of nature]

How do you confuse an Irishman? Give him 12 shovels and ask him to take his pick!! (boom-boom)

[Sidders]

Great joke bob!

[Gigglyboots]

i know im dredging a bit but heh i didnt want to create another thread

Nah nah, I'm glad you revived my lil topic, need a bit of a laugh! Anymore jokes?

[Funky Drummer]

This is a bit of a long read, but it's well worth it.


EDIT: '>'s removed.


HOUSEKEEPING RULES:

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,

Group Hug!

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

[Minnie the Minx]

*Knock Knock,
Whos there?
Will Young,
Will Young who?
Hey thats showbusiness!



TEACHER: What part of the body goes to heaven first?
CHILD: 'feet' everynight I see my mum with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God I'm cumming'!

[MK Chris]

Thats real funny funky!

[Funky Drummer]

Thanks

[Gigglyboots]

I like this lil topic, ok im bias, pleeease more jokes.

[MK Chris]

Two dealers are in court. The judge tells them they each have to do 100 hours community service by going into rehabilitation centres and preaching about how you shouldn't do drugs.

At the end of the 100 hours the judge comes back to them and asks them how they did. The first says "I got 30 people off drugs." The judge says that this is brilliant and asks him how he did it. The first drug dealer says "I got a piece of paper and drew a large hole and a small hole and I showed them the large hole and said 'This is the size of your brain before you go on drugs' and then I showed them the small hole and said 'This is the size of you brain after you do drugs'"

The judge is clearly impressed by this and goes to the second dealer "How did you do then?" The second dealer says "I got 200 people off drugs" The judge is amazed at that and asks him how he did it. The dealer says "I got a bit of paper, and I drew a small hole and a large hole and I showed them the small hole and said 'This is the size of your a*sehole before you go to prison...'"

[Morals]

Heard about the new Beatles album? It's going to be drum and bass...

[Matt]

My last joke was very border line (hence why it's deleted )

So I'll leave you with a thought:

Pass the Word. Eat a Bible.

[MK Chris]

Border line gags are OK, as long as they're funny. Otherwise it just defeats the oblect of being a joke. Rather like Jim Davidson defeats the object of being a comedian.

[Bridgie]

lol, nice one morals. harsh but still funny