[Morals]

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs

[Morals]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin

[MentalJargon]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[My_name_is_Nobody]

I am hoping you will be falling off your chair ...

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a drink. After eating
it pulls out a handgun and fires a few shots around the room. Then turns
around to leave. The bartender asks "Hey, why'd you do that?"

"I'm a panda," came the reply, "look it up."

The bartender pulls out a dictionary and finds panda: "a tree-dwelling
animal of asian origin. Eats shoots and leaves."

-/|__|\---=---=---=---=---=---=---=---/|__|\-

A polar bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin
and ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...tonic please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"

The polar bear replies, "Don't know, I've always had them!"

[KFA]

David Beckham escaped a near death experience whilst horse riding yesterday. Everything was fine until the horse started bouncing uncontrollably. He tried to hang on but was thrown off.

With his foot caught in the stirrup, and with Posh Spice watching powerlessly, he fell head first to the ground.

His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness the manager of the Woolworths store came out and unplugged the horse.

[KFA]

A blond and a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette says "Oh, look at that poor dead bird!" The blond looks up into the sky and says "Where?"

[MK Chris]

OK, as we can't have blonde jokes... What did the essex girl's right leg say to her left leg?

Nothing, theyve never met!

[TJD]

newsreader:
A small 2 man light aircraft crashed last night into a cemetary in Ireland. Rescue workers have so far discovered 200 bodies and they expect the number to rise as digging continues.

/|\^~========~^/|\

why don't blondes talk when they're having sex?
because they're not allowed to talk to strangers.

\|/^~========~^\|/

a man puts an advert into a local newspaper offering the job of painting his porch. A few days after he puts the ad in, a blonde comes round to his house offering to do the work. The man gives the woman a large pot of green paint and a brush and walks down the road to do some shopping.
A couple of hours later the man returns. By this time the blonde was sat on the floor waiting.
"Have you finished" asked the man "yes" replied the woman, "and its not a porsche, it's a BMW"

[monkey_brain]

How do you keep a blonde amused for hours?

Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper!

[MattTheDon]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the
woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn
checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir,
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn
checking account now!"

I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation. The manager
agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that
foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks
the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem
here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won
50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to
open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving
you a hard time?

[MattTheDon]

Robbie Williams, Kylie and Will Young are all out clubbing together. By the end of the night Kylie is bleezing and Robbie and Will aint feelin 2 clever either. As they are on their way home Kylie trips her head gets stuck between the metal poles in a fence. After a struggle Kylie discovers she is stuck. Robbie and Will are standing watching Kylies ass wiggle about as she attempts break free from the bars. Finally Robbie says I cant miss a chance like this.. iv got kylie stuck and her ass is in my face... i have to. so robbie whips down his trousers and "does the buisness" once he is finished he turns 2 will and says here you go.. its ur turn mate and will replies. sorry rob, i dont think my head will fit through the bars!!!

[LE_VEY]

a bloke walks into a shrinks office wearing only a pair of shorts made out of cling film, the shrink says "i can clearly see your nuts!"

[MentalJargon]

I guy goes to the optitions and after examining his eyes the optition says to the man
"I'm sorry sir, but you must stop masterbating"
"why?" replies the man "is it affecting my eyesight?"
"No" says the optition "It upsets the other patients in the waiting room"

[Gigglyboots]

I want to revive my lil topic again, cos jokes are good!
Please please please, keep posting loads of jokes, i love reading em - Gigglyboots

[Scottie]

Little red riding hood runs into the wolf in the forest. "Pull up your top and let me suck your boobs" says the wolf. "Bugger that!" says little red riding hood pulling up her skirt, "Just eat me like your supposed too"

[MentalJargon]

what about funny rhymes?

A man stood on a bridge one night
His lips were all a-quiver
He gave a cough
His leg fell off
And floated down the river

It's hard to lose a friend
When your heart is full of hope
But it's worse to lose a towel
When your eyes are full of soap

I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes them taste quite funny
But it keeps them on the knife

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Watching the girls go by
Along came a beauty
He yelled "Hi there cutie"
And that's how he got his black eye

[rattis]

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent
gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night
during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the
way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your
waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,
I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your
hearing!"




Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."



This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a
big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's taken!" The little dude sits down
anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his
hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan."
Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he
hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude
tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench
from Sears."




Q. What's the difference between a paycheque and your dick ?

A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheque.



Q. How is a woman like a laxative ?

A. They both irritate the **** out of you.



Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig ?

A. A woman that won't do what she's told.



Q. What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?

A. Marriage.



Q. Why are hangovers better than women ?

A. Hangovers will go away.



Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ?

A. Its Braille for "suck here".



Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds ?

A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.



Q. Why do men die before their wives ?

A. They want to.



Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.



Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd ?

A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.



Q. Why are women like screen doors ?

A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.



Q. What's a wife ?

A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.



Q. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?

A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.



Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman ?

A. The penis.



Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?

A. You come in one and go in the other.



Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.



Q. What do you call a Playboy centre-fold who's a lesbian ?

A. *****.



Q. How can a woman tell she's flat chested ?

A. She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.



Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A. You can unscrew a light bulb.





Q. Why did God make man first ?

A. He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.



Q. What do Kermit the frog and Roseanne Barrs' husband have in common?

A. They both enjoy * pigs.




Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig ?

A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's' body, except his own.



Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong ?

A. Made her chain too long.



Q. Why was the woman crossing the road ?

A. Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?



Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?

A. None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.




Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?

A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.



Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.



Q. Why did God create lesbians?

A. So feminists couldn't breed.



Q. Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf ?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.



Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped ?

A. They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either..



Q. Why can't you trust woman ?

A. How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.



Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning ?

A. They don't have balls to scratch

[Bridgie]

3 tampons r walkin down the street. one light flow, one medium flow and one heavy flow. theyre walkin along and they see a sanitary towel coming the other way,

which one says hello?

none, coz theyre all stuck up c**ts

[Gigglyboots]

Hey anti-female jokes aren't funny, .

[Gigglyboots]

Pleassssssee, pretty please tell some more jokes

[Scottie]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac ? he kept waking up in the middle of the night wondering if there was a dog.........

[TJD]

a woman goes into a store to buy a barbie for her daughter's birthday. She is looking around the store and is intrigued by the pricing "Married Barbie : £19.99", "Divorced Barbie : "£110.00". She decides to ask the shop assistant why they are priced so differently. "Well..." said the assistant ".... the married barbie comes with Ken. The divorced barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's credit card, Ken's child......"

[Gigglyboots]

How come a topic about Celine Dion got more posts than good old jokes. Nothing makes sense anymore!

[LE_VEY]

what do elephants use as tampons? ........................................sheep

[Mr Dion]

How come a topic about Celine Dion got more posts than good old jokes. Nothing makes sense anymore!

cause everyone on this board, even tho they wont admit it, has a liking for celine dion....or mayb its cause they coodnt believe any1 cood actually listen to her! not to sure which....