The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
#241936
1. No Doubt - It’s My Life 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Eminem - Without Me, 3. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 4. Kelis - Trick Me, 5. BUZZ OFF - INXS - Mystify, 6. Jurgen Vries feat Andrea Britton - Take My Hand 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Nelly - Hot In Herre, 8. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 9. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 10. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Fatboy Slim - Right Here Right Now, 12. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 13. CHRIS MOYLES - Eamon/Frankee F*** This Song Parody, 14. Peter Andre - Insania 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move, 16. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 17. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love, 18. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out, 19. Rest Assured - Treat Infamy (Tedious Link), 20. Outkast - Roses, 21. Beverley Knight - Come As You Are, 22. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. PARODY - Dale Winton’s 99 Problems, 24. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 25. NORE - Nothing, 26. Nelly Furtado - Powerless, 27. Faithless - Mass Destruction

Chris said the handovers with Wes at 6:55 are now like Carry On movies on the talkback system - hellooo, are you ready for it?, do you want it?, shall I give it to you?, I’m gonna hit the knob now, will you press yours at your end?, here it comes, hold on tight...and so on and so forth. Chris said all he wants is control of the bloody network. Wes has now got a new job as Chris’s gardener btw. Chris said the weeds in his garden are up to waist height, and as Wes quite likes to garden he’s perfect for the job. Dave said you could have a game of Where’s Wes when he goes in there. Chris has offered to pay for Wes’s service (good mornin) - a tenner for two hours. This time next week the show will be coming live from Radio 1’s Lisbon villa in Portugal, and Chris and Dave can’t wait. Dom and Jules have to stay “back home” to read the news and sport in London, so cue Chris playing the England 1970 World Cup squad and Back Home. He even created new lyrics to suit Dom and his bald head. Chris reminded everyone that it’s gonna be work not a holiday over there, sometimes even till..god, maybe 11 o’clock or midday. Rach was tucking into a donut at 7:44 and spilt a little bit down her top. Chris told her not to have a go at him when she’s lying by the pool in her bikini in Portugal, embarrassed to have her stomach showing. She said she’s actually having a bit of bikini trauma at the moment, she can’t find one to fit her. Chris said that was because her waist is getting smaller but her breasts stay the same size. He said it was actually similar to himself, whose waist is getting larger...and whose breasts are getting larger.
Dave (to Rach) - You wanna speak to boulder-holder or whatever and get some stuff sent over
(Chris laughs)
Rach - Don’t laugh, this is a big issue for me!!
Dave - Well a very big issue
(Dom laughs then stops abruptly) Dom - Sorry
Rach (laughing & sounding cute) - Shut up Dom

Buzz Off today was a significant improvement on yesterday’s Grandmaster Flash instrumental fiasco. Chris chose the quality Mystify by INXS - number 14 in April 1989. Everyone buzzed in right at the end of the song - Dave, Dom, Rach and then the listeners. They had all been air drumming along to that off the air, which meant they didn’t talk all the way through the song on the air (hurrah).
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WHEN DOM MET RACQUEL:
So as I mentioned yesterday, Ben Affleck has bronchitis and isn’t doing any promotion for his new film Jersey Girl as a result. Dominic was due to interview him yesterday but was offered Racquel Castro as a replacement - she’s the 9 year old girl who plays his daughter in the movie. Dom said the film’s ok and a bit sad and poignant (i.e it’s sh*te and over emotional). Because of the lateness of the switch, Dom had only prepared questions for Ben and Racquel played along by answering them at first, trying to put on a masculine type of voice. Dom thought after a few he’d stop though, as he would risk annoying both her and the film company if he carried on.
Dom - So I thought we’d sort of ask her proper questions...not obviously related to the film...
Chris - Right
Dom - ...but y’know just stuff generally

Racquel was really nice but did have an irritating way of saying “thank you”, that Chris obviously took the pee out of. Dom gave her a Euro 2004 sticker book as a present (every young American girls dream gift) although had to take back the first sticker she opened (Ashley Cole) as he said he only needed two England players now and he was one of them. He said he felt slightly guilty afterwards. Her other present was some HP Daddies sauce, which she said was “so cool!!”. Her favourite cheese answer was that American stuff you put on egg McMuffins, and she recorded Chris some drops as both herself and Ben Affleck.
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(Racquel as Gertie Trinke with Jersey Girl co-stars Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck)
Dom and Dave started laughing during Juliette’s sports news at 8:30 for no apparent reason today. They said it was because they had noticed in a clip of Spurs chairman Daniel Levy, that he has one of those soft London r’s that Dom often takes the mick out of - basically like Jonathan Ross.
Dom - I’m not laughing generally at people with speech impediments
Chris (sounded disgusted) - Oh for god’s sake, oh for god’s sake, that pees me off that does...I missed it, can we hear it again?

When Dom played the clip second time around, everyone started laughing and speaking like Daniel - e.g “wight, it’s time to play another wecord”. Jules was laughing so much that she even fell off her chair. There was a little cameo appearance from Greyhead Will Kinder too today. He came in at around 8:50 to assist Rachel, who had to dash off after about 9:20 to some important BBC meeting. Chris played the old awards ceremony Big Blubber music and complete with reverb, Will made a little speech about his return. He said it was nice to be here. Chris did the “well with your agent, it’s nice to be anywhere” line. Will and Dave argued about how drunk they each were last night. They were in the pub with Jamesie, Alan and Tim from Accounts. Chris was a bit peed off that no one even thought of ringing him. They’re all out again tonight for Jon Culshaw’s birthday party. Jules and Ben Cooper have been invited but Dom and Rachel haven’t. Jon turned 36 on Wednesday.

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 12>>>>
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PASSWORD - “Mums gone to Iceland”
ALED + CHRIS VIDEO PHONE STUFF - Aled said he didn’t reply to Chris’s video message last night cos his phone had run out of battery. Chris sent his last message from on the toilet, which was a private joke made not so private by Aled blabbing about it on the air.
Dave (sounding horrified) - You videod yourself on the toilet and sent it to Aled?
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ALED UPSETS EVERYBODY: Mr Ego Aled refused to give out any clues to his location at 8:15, which was obviously pre planned but Chris and Dave still played along as if they were actually shocked. Dave told Aled that they dictate when the clues are given, not him. Basically, in an attempt to get people to listen to Radio One for longer in the day, the competition is now not exclusive to Chris’s show and the klaxon could go off at any time of the day. I think everyone knew about this cos just a couple of hours later Chris and Aled were both on brand new sweepers and trails saying something along the lines of “Your chance to win could be in this hour so keep listening!!”. The texters fell for it though and texted in in disgust at Aled’s behaviour - “get him his P45”, “I’ll be at work then”, “what a door handle head’ etc. One even said “the ego has landed”, although Chris said that that landed a long time ago. Dave said thanks to Aled for leaving them paddling around at prime time. If you really want to know, Aled turned up later in Bristol on Jo Whiley’s show.
TEXT WINNER - Karl was the lucky texter called back by Chris to qualify for the big Euro 2004 airport final on Thursday. He was randomly selected from all the people that correctly guessed Aled’s location this week, before anyone found him in person. To enter next weeks draw then just text WA (for Where’s Aled), then a space, where you think he is, another space and then your name and town, and send it to 81199. E.g “WA Glasgow Claire in Brighton”. Your last chance to play will be this Wednesday.

**At 8:20 Chris talked about the jingles made with Jonathan Pearce for this feature. He hated the awful pirate radio style echo that each had been given. Chris messed about with the studio EQ to get the same sort of effect on his voice and then did some genius impressions of pirate radio ads, promoting various club nights with DJ’s and sponsors you’ve never heard of. It’s better if you hear it for yourself as it doesn’t really lend itself much to a review. Skip to around 1 hr 26min in by clicking here (only if your reading this before Friday June 11th though). Rachel looked a little bit bemused.
Chris - Don’t look at me like I’m insane...or even (cheesy local radio voice)...don’t look at me like I’m insania!!
(starts Peter Andre and Insania) Rach - Aaah!! Aaah!! (laughs)
Dave - Oh My God!! Oh My God!!
Chris - What?
Dave - That was the worst link ever
**

POST 9 O’CLOCK FUN:
The show was pretty fantastic after 9 o’clock this morning, I don’t know if it was anything to do with the fact that (as Dave would say) the show is “less formulaic” after 9, but I do know that it was very funny indeed. Dave did the “weady to wamble” half time intro and the fun and games began. Chris has a photoshoot today and has annoyingly double booked himself. He was meant to have an appointment with Davina’s mad marine trainer y’see, but has had to put it off till a later date. Dave asked him if the trainer was going to be like those two short, fat lumpheads who took them once on Gym Idol back in 2002 (after Gym Lady Jane had left the show). Chris said he didn’t think so. Rachel asked Chris why he hasn’t being going to see the personal trainer at the gym he joined in January. His answer was fairly straightforward - cos he’s from New Zealand. Then (as usual) a conversation began about mixing up Aussies and Kiwis, and how they get such a bee in their bonnet if you do. Chris said he didn’t hate the Aussies and Kiwis or anything, but just this particular guy’s accent drives him up the wall...
Chris (talking about Aussies and Kiwis) - But we love you all!! You’re more than welcome to share our lovely land!
Dave - Yeah, cos we’re all from the same stock originally. It’s just a fact that they were largely exported criminals
(Chris laughs)

Rachel asked what the hell they were going on about. Chris said everybody is from the same stock originally if you think about it - cos we’re all from dinosaurs. Chris said everyone (whether white, black, gay, straight, male, female) is from dinosaurs...apart from the French. They’re from a different species entirely. Chris did his usual stereotypical stripy jumpered, onions round the neck French impressions and Dave said that we should all just unite in our common interests and hate the French. Rachel said they couldn’t say that (well it’s never stopped them before let’s face it).
Dave - Rachel, this kind of borderline racism is acceptable at the moment cos of the football!!!
Rach - No it’s not!!
Chris - Yes it is!!!
Dave - This is all about Euro 2004 right. It’s everybody against everybody, we don’t take any prisoners!!
Chris - Yeah! Seriously, what have the French got that’s better than what we’ve got? (pause)
Dave - Motorways are better
Chris - Right motorways are better yeah, right, but seriously what else?
Dave - Service stations are better
Chris - Fine
Rach - Shops
Dave - Clothes
Chris - Right fashion wise yes, they have that
Dave - Yeah
Rach - Food and wine
Chris (joining in) - Restaurants, general attitude, chilled outness, the fact they all like a drink
Dave - Weather
Rach - Warmer
Dave - Beaches
Rach - Cannes Film Festival
Dave - Sunshine
Chris - Yeah but apart from all that?
Dave - The Alps
Chris (again joining in) - EuroDisney. I mean they’ve got Mickey Mouse, we’ve got Tony Blair..y’know what I mean? Eh, a bit of politics wahey!! (Chris and Dave laugh)..see you next week
Dave - Topical humour!!

Chris said it’s a good job they’ll be well away from the French in Portugal (erm - not when we play them you won’t Chris). He said he was only joking though and said he actually likes the French...it’s those Belgians he can’t stand. He again said he was only joking about that but Dave butted in:
Dave - No I’m with you on this one. At least the French are proper French, the Belgians aren’t really sure what they are!!
Rach - I like everyone

So in one very funny but foul mouthed link, Chris and Dave managed to upset the French, the Belgians, the Aussies and the Kiwis. Good going even by their high standards.
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FUN WITH SOUND EFFECTS:>>>>
All the stuff about the French made Chris even more keen to go for a day out at EuroDisney in Paris. Dave said surely Alton Towers would be the cheaper option. Chris agreed and said they should go now. He backed off the mic and played the sound effect of a door shutting. He then kept reopening the door to come back in for car keys and to open windows etc.
Dave (laughs) - Fun with sound effects!!
Eventually Dave “went outside” with Dave. Chris said he couldn’t get the car started so would have to go by motorbike instead. He played in the sound effect of the engine revving up and asked Dave if he was alright in that sidecar. The laughter from Dave and Greyhead at this point was fantastic. Chris told Dave to mind that ambulance and he played in the siren effect.
Dave - I tell ya what, he’s not gonna sell many ice creams going at that speed is he!! (Chris and Will laugh)
Chris and Dave were both loving Beverley Knight’s new single Come As You Are when Chris played it this morning. Moyles said that he loves a record with a big horn in it (if you pardon the expression). He wasn’t quite so complimentary about the new Jurgen Vries one though, although I thought that was a bit harsh as I really like that song. Other tunes played out today included replays of both yesterday’s already popular parodies - Dale Winton doing Jay-Z (so to speak) and Chris singing about Eamon and Frankee. At the end of the show Greyhead said hello to his girlfriend Annabelle, who’s leaving her job today after 8 years of working for this company. The team gave a round of applause.
Chris - Those lap dancing jobs don’t last forever do they?
Will - They don’t (Chris starts Faithless)

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CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
TOM a Tescos maintenance engineer from Dartford 2
DANNY a lorry driver from Bedford who called Chris “Steve” 0

Daves Tedious Link
All Saints I Know Where It’s At - As well as being the name of a now defunct girl group, All Saints is also a popular name for a church - Church first name Charlotte is a famous Welsh woman and in that respect shares something in common with Sian Lloyd - Sian Lloyd shares one name with Lloyd Grosman, who is mates with David Frost from their days on Through The Keyhole - Keyhole is a word that links locksmiths and surgeons - If you add a T to the word “surgeon” you get sturgeon, which is a type of fish responsible for caviar - Caviar is very expensive and is often served with champagne - Champagne is named after a region in France - France is much bigger than the UK, as is Canada, Nigeria and Argentina - Argentina was the home of Eva Peron, who was a central character in the film Evita - Evita sounds a bit like Ryvita, which is a type of crackerbread - Bread is a popular form of Breakfast throughout much of Europe - and Europe is a top destination for British holidaymakers, who just like to sit back, relax and be somewhere where “rest is assured” - Which links us to Rest Assured and Treat Infamy

WEEK HIGHLIGHTS:
SHOW OF THE WEEK: Friday
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK: BB impressions, Moyles rings dad, Luurve sandwich link (Tuesday), Eddie text and Japanese commentary (Wednesday), Buzz Off fiasco, Carpark Catchphrase and new parodies (Thursday) and Daniel Levy impressions, pirate radio chat, borderline racist link about the French and sound effect fun (all today). Don’t forget you can Listen Again to all four of the weeks shows by following the Listen Again links from R1’s Chris Moyles mini-site.

THE END OF VICKY MARSDEN ON RADIO 1:>>>>
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Yep, Vicky bowed out after 4 years at Radio 1 this morning. By far the most underrated presenter on the station and one constantly ignored for decent daytime and weekend shifts in favour of such dullards as Spoony and (to a lesser extent) Nemone. I’m not quite sure where she’ll go next but fellow Vicky fans I’ll let you know if and when I find out. Consistently funny and entertaining, she ended with the theme tune to the Littlest Hobo and her final words were simply “Bye” after the final 4am handover with Wes.

<A HREF="http://pod-135.dolphin-server.co.uk/~chris/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=145533#145533">> Friday June 4th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <</A>

- By the way that was a record 3059 word review!! Phew, please get me a drink someone...

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