Off-topic chat. May contain offensive language or images.
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By Vivienne
#276033
What would you call a cow eating grass in your front garden? - a lawn mooer.

What would you call a person rolling in the mud, then crossing a road twice? - a dirty double crosser.

What would you call a baker who has red hair? - A ginger bread man !!

Thought these may brighten everyone's day !!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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By DemonHorse
#276035
Oh dear... bit of advice, watch out for Zoot and his gun.
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By Zoot
#276036
Its not me she's gotta worry about, Its foot-loose!
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By DemonHorse
#276038
Sorry, lol. Got names mixed up. Maybe I was thinking it was you coz your sig has a gun?
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By Yudster
#276039
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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By MK Chris
#276043
One day a bloke died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The bloke responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, Vodka, Stella et al. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The bloke is astounded. "Shit, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. You want Bensons, you got 'em. If you get cancer, no big deal. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Horse's, Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack, Cocaine pile's the size of Mountains. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a fantastic place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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By Vivienne
#276046
Ooooh! I thought you'd damn this thread.
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By Zoot
#276047
This made me chuckle -

A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But,where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
 
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.........
 
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports
User avatar
By MK Chris
#276048
Viv wrote:Ooooh! I thought you'd damn this thread.

You posted jokes, I thought I would post one that I found funny. What's wrong with that?
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By Vivienne
#276049
I just didn't think you wd know what a joke was really (!!).
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By foot-loose
#276058
DemonHorse wrote:Oh dear... bit of advice, watch out for Zoot and his gun.

Ha - this is where you haven't been paying attention Mr Horse - I'm a big fan of the jokes so the more the merrier!

(Although, quite frankly, the "Lawn Mooer" gag might be enough in itself to warrent a swift execution! :twisted: )

Some that made me chuckle recently:


How do you make a kitten go "woof"?

cover it in petrol and light a match


Whats got four legs and goes "Meeaow"

a frozen dog on a bench saw


What goes hop hop hop thump thump?

The rabbit I just ran over
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By Yudster
#276061
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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By Walter Sobchak
#276688
A Piece of black tarmac walks into a Bar and says to the bartender
"Give me the strongest drink you have, then leans forward and in the bartenders face says "coz I'm HARD!"

The bartender gets his drink, and he swigs it straight down, "Get me another" he scowls.

A few minutes later the door swings open, and a piece of red tarmac comes through the door and walks up to the bar, politely orders a drink, gives the bartender a tip, drinks his drink, says goodnight and leaves.

The bartender realising the black tarmac is no longer at the bar, looks around and spots him cowering and shaking in the corner,
"Why are you there?" he asks
"it was that guy that just left" quivered the black tarmac,
"Him?!?! But I thought you were HARD!?"

"I might be hard, but he's a f*#kin' Cycle Path!"
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By Yudster
#276753
Old ones are the best Walter, I love that one!