chrismoyles.net
- Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:24 pm
#309447
Please feel freed to add your gags as well
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Ken, get out of the filing cabinet."
The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"
met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I
thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
2 fish in a tank
the 1st says to the 2nd 'howd you drive this thing?'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and asks the bloke, "can you
make me one with everything?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only two men made appointments. One came on the bus and the other missed the tube.
"I was posted to Africa."
"Really what was it like?"
"I don't know, I couldn't get out of the envelope."
Bloke goes into a chemist, and says, "A comb please."
"Steel one?"
"No, I've got the money thank you."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Elton John has never owned a parrot, but he has had a *.
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Ken, get out of the filing cabinet."
The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"
met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I
thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
2 fish in a tank
the 1st says to the 2nd 'howd you drive this thing?'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and asks the bloke, "can you
make me one with everything?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only two men made appointments. One came on the bus and the other missed the tube.
"I was posted to Africa."
"Really what was it like?"
"I don't know, I couldn't get out of the envelope."
Bloke goes into a chemist, and says, "A comb please."
"Steel one?"
"No, I've got the money thank you."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Elton John has never owned a parrot, but he has had a *.
